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My World is Small…

This is the post excerpt.

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But my words are mighty…

Wow

You accusef me of wanting to do harm to you and your baby. How dare you! That comment makes you a bad friend. You have your friends. You have your married life and now you’ll have your child. No one in my family has EVER said that to me. I watched my goddaughter for 2 months straight when she was a baby. You have your best friend. I don’t want to hear from you. I wish you and your family the best. You will be an incredible mom. I just can’t be a part of someone’s life who would ever say that to me. Goodbye.

Princess

I didn’t realize just how lucky I am. My family protects me. They take care of me even when I don’t deserve it. Alot of the time I don’t deserve it. I don’t work hard because I feel like I don’t have to, I feel like I will always have someone to take care of me. I know now that that’s not true. I need to work harder.

Not Your Average Fairytale

This isn’t one of those stories that begins with once upon a time. This is one of those stories that begins with girl meets boy. 

They were young when they first met. The world was different then. Their world. It was a teenagers world, full of experiencing things for the first time. They did just that… together. At the end of it though, it was over and she was heartbroken. 

The story isn’t over yet. Over the following years they found each other again and again. They became best friends in the process. Seeing each other through ups and downs. She was his constant support, always having his back. He was her calm, her anchor when a storm would brew in her life.

One day the clouds became pitch black and a darkness seeped its way into his life. Try as she might she couldn’t pull him away from it. He twisted into someone unrecognizable from the calm person he used to be. Her anchor was gone. Everything that reminded her of him tarnished.

The darkness ate up all his light, sucked it right out of him, leaving him a twisted shell of a person. Weaker than he had ever been. 

The girl realized that she had to shine brightly to overcome the darkness and the pitch black cloud that hung over his life. She knew that he still had a speck of light in his heart for her and she knew that one day the darkness would seep out and the light would make him whole again. Her light would fill his heart and ease his soul, just as it always had. Comforting his. She would be his support again, unwaveringly loyal and he would be her calm anchor and they would weather any storm together.

Tears on My Pillow…

It seems that I find myself crying almost everyday. Always over him. I try not to think about it but it is just there. I don’t want him to go away I never did but he had to I guess. Why is it that I can’t get what I need and want from him? Am I that much of a horrible person? I know that I’m not.

I’m emotionally unstable right now and drained. I give up. I have no reason to really live anymore.

Are you ok?

I ask myself that same fundamental question everyday. Are you ok? I answer myself usually with yeah I’ll be ok but lately I’ve been answering it with no I’m not ok. In all honesty… I’m not. I’m emotionally drained. I’m emotionally unstable. I am just full of negative emotions that are annoying. 

Most of all, I am DONE. I am done feeling like I don’t matter. I’m NOT ok. Nothing about this or about me is ok. I am exhausted with all of this that I am going through. I am just completely different than who I used to be.

I get it… Life isn’t fair not at all not even close. I am having a hard time and it seems to not be getting any better. I feel like I’m falling further and further in the hole. It shouldn’t be like this.

Are you ok? No… I’m not. I’m not ok and it’s not ok and I don’t know if it will EVER be ok. 

I miss what used to be. I miss what might be able to happen. What if? What if? WHAT IF?! Why can’t things just be ok?! They’re not. All I wanted was another chance. Just too too much. 

I feel overloaded. All of this is an overload and I hurt. I feel empty and in pain. Your life didn’t stop but mine has. Your life can go on great but not mine. I’m alone in this and I will always be alone in this.

Are you ok? No. I don’t think I ever will be.

End of 2016

It’s the last day of 2016. Here I am alone with my family. My year was shitty. The man I love left me. The man I love will never come back to me. I am alone. It’s all over for me and I just don’t know wtf to do. I hurt so deeply inside that it seems I will never come out of it.

The lord works in mysterious ways. For every time there is a season and for every season is a place. All I can do is pray that God has a plan for me. He will pave the way for my path. I know that He will show me the way. I will be happy to receive his plan.

I really hope that life opens up for me new things. I have a list for 2017 predictions. They WILL happen. Love is the theme this year 2017 will be MY year!!

  • He and I will get back together and things will be different with us.
  • I will finish school and get on my career path.
  • Dreams that I want to come true will start to take shape.

I know that my 2017 predictions will come true one way or another. I have faith and hope that they will. 

Incomplete

The feelings that are being felt right now are that of heartbreak. I can’t sit here and pretend anymore. It hurts my heart that he is no longer going to be a part of my life. Such a huge part of me is now missing. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I lost my first love. I am used to lose and used to people leaving me. Everyone always seems to leave me. I feel sorry for myself alot because who else is going to?!

I’ve become someone who I don’t even recognize anymore. It’s sad. I have come to hate myself! It’s such a disgusting thing that I’m going through. A Christmas miracle is all I did ask for but I guess I don’t deserve one. Happiness is a feeling not a destination. People say I just want to be happy or get happiness but it’s a feeling, an emotion, not a destination of where to go.

It’s just a sad sad time for me right now. I have no idea in what direction I’m going in. I am in this stuck-still place in my life. It’s depressing. I just want to lay in bed and cry and mourn a death. The death of who I used to be. I used to be someone who could move on quickly but I can’t. I don’t want to but I have to. I need to find my place in this world. I know that I will.