My Truth

I see myself as two different people. Who I am to the world and who I am when I’m alone. The me around people is talkative and lively, sometimes funny, and generally a good person. The me I am when I am alone is subjective to who I am around others. This other me talks to herself out loud. She gives me advice and tells me to listen to my heart and be patient and not to worry about things. She is my logical self. I ignore her a lot. We all have things like this inside of us, that I know for sure. It isn’t always easy to listen to our inner voice so I say make your inner voice speak out loud. It’s surprising that I let my inner voice speak out loud. Maybe that seems crazy to you but I me it makes perfect sense.

I was recently diagnosed as BiPolar Type 2, more depressive and with hypomania instead of full on mania. I was scared when they told me and I felt as though I would be stigmatized by it. I had a snap and I was put in the hospital for week. During that week I was scared. I was in a place that I never thought I would be but furthermore I thought I didn’t need to be. It was an eye opener that something was seriously wrong with me. At 30 years of age I thought ‘Am I not a little too old to be going through this?’ ‘Aren’t bipolar people those crazy homeless people in San Francisco who talk to walls and yell at people as they pass by?’, the thoughts that I had about this illness were wrong. I still don’t understand it and it scares me. Mental Illness is something that has been with me since I was 17 years old when they diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, obviously I was misdiagnosed because I  was still having terrible depressive episodes no matter what. I think maybe if they had caught it sooner I would be living a very different life. I know that what ifs are something that you can’t live by but there are so many questions that I still have.

The only thing that seems to keep me sane is the love I have still for a good book or a good movie or a good TV show. I had lost all hope until I decided to binge watch Once Upon a Time from the very beginning again and within that story I found hope. As strange as it sounds. So with this blog I will be talking about myself and things that are happening to me but also about Once Upon a Time and the way that it has shined a bright light in my darkness. So, as insane as this might be, and as off as this all will be… Welcome to my mixed up, crazy, fantastical world…

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s