Turn to Stone

The ache that I feel deep in my heart is something that has seemed to always be here. My heart is something that has always been heavy and full of sorrow. I didn’t realize just how hurt I had been feeling. I read an email yesterday that broke my heart. It opened up old wounds that I didn’t want to be open up again. Saying that we always find our way back to each other so why should I worry? I worry because I’m scared. I’m scared to get what I really want and it scares me so much because then I have to leave what I am most comfortable with. It is the most horrible feeling. I should be feeling happy and grateful but instead I am terrified. I know that I will see him again. I know deep in my heart and in the back of my mind my voice is telling me to have hope and faith and to hold on and be strong.

Should I continue to hold on and be strong and know that what I am going to gain from this will be my dream come true or should I let go and not care anymore and close up my heart? I have to close up my heart. It needs to be closed off and I can’t feel anymore, not one thing. I have to close myself off to love because I loved too much. I put all of my love and time into someone and for what, to basically get told to fuck off and that they never want to see me again.

That’s heartbreak though. I wish that we didn’t have to go through it but it seems as though that is just how life is. I love you my Varus and we will be duo bot lane partners again and this time I know that I will ALWAYS be your support. Deep in my soul and my heart it is there. The feelings and the hope. For now though, I have to keep it locked up and truly mourn a loss. I fear the worst and the best, it’s just who I am I guess.

These thoughts in my head, jumbled and not making much sense but I wanted to write something. So that’s my musings for today…

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