My world is spinning yet again. I find myself on this merry-go-round that I can’t seem to get off of. It hurts to think that I invested so much time into something that just didn’t seem to matter at the end of the day. It hurts. It hurts so much that I feel so empty inside without that feeling of hope. How can I not be in crisis mode when I am? It’s like the Earth is rotating on its axis and I’m stuck in the same place I was before; never moving forward just stagnant.
You can sit there and say that we always find our way back to one another but do we really? It seems that we always just lose one another to stupid things that don’t matter. I didn’t realize how much you run away from me. I don’t get it. I really don’t, but, at the end of the day I need to set you free to fly because that is what you deserve. I need to be able to feel that freedom to fly myself without you. I need to fall out of love with you. I really do.
For the past few years we have been going on this crazy roller coaster that is just up and down and loopy and just intense! I can’t handle it anymore! I have to learn to live half-alive without you because that is the only way that I will survive. It’s all I can do to make myself feel better.
Emma, she fell in love with Neal and he let her down. You are my Neal and I need to find my Killian. I want MY Killian and I really wish that that is who you were for me but you’re not and I don’t think you ever will be. Emma learned how to put up a wall and block herself off from everything, so that is what I will do. I will follow Emma’s example and be strong like her and put myself away for a bit.
I know that I should believe in hope, yet it is so hard to after all of this is happening. I might self-sabotage things and that is just terrible because I never wanted to do that. I wanted things to work out and be how they are supposed to be. My mind needs to rest and be at ease yet it can’t seem to be. I feel like I have become this crazy obsessed person about this and over him and I am TIRED of it. I will let go. I will. I really really will.