The feelings that are being felt right now are that of heartbreak. I can’t sit here and pretend anymore. It hurts my heart that he is no longer going to be a part of my life. Such a huge part of me is now missing. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I lost my first love. I am used to lose and used to people leaving me. Everyone always seems to leave me. I feel sorry for myself alot because who else is going to?!
I’ve become someone who I don’t even recognize anymore. It’s sad. I have come to hate myself! It’s such a disgusting thing that I’m going through. A Christmas miracle is all I did ask for but I guess I don’t deserve one. Happiness is a feeling not a destination. People say I just want to be happy or get happiness but it’s a feeling, an emotion, not a destination of where to go.
It’s just a sad sad time for me right now. I have no idea in what direction I’m going in. I am in this stuck-still place in my life. It’s depressing. I just want to lay in bed and cry and mourn a death. The death of who I used to be. I used to be someone who could move on quickly but I can’t. I don’t want to but I have to. I need to find my place in this world. I know that I will.
I sit here today in spite of these feelings that I feel. I know you want me to let you go but I can’t. All these years that I’ve been here it’s hard. It’s hard to be here without you especially during this time. I started this blog to heal myself but I can’t do that until I fully accept what you need and why you need it. How we will find our way back to one another. I know when I lose that hope it’s over. One day I will truly get what I want. I don’t know if it will ever be with you but maybe it will. All I know is that I need to work on me. I love you. You know I do. I will ALWAYS love you. It hurts to think that I will never see you again. I won’t ever hear your voice again. I’ll never get to touch you again. All I ever wanted was for you to open up your heart to me. I’d rather be your friend than not have you in my life at all. I just want happiness for us together but if we can’t have that then I wish happiness for you.
I hope that you know I’m here no matter what. It’s funny to think of our lives and how it turned out. You’ve been trying to find yourself again but I know who you really are and what you’re really made of. I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of the wonderful man you’ve become and I’m even more proud of the wonderful man you will become.
Our story is beautiful. Even if it’s over I’m so happy to have been a part of it. Thank you for letting me into your life and for a moment your heart. I will never forget you and the truly awesome moments we shared.
It’s not hard to remember the first time I saw OTH. It was right after Dawson’s Creek ended it seems. It changed me and it helped me grow. I was much younger then and I saw myself in certain characters on the show. I watch it now as an adult and I see how powerful these characters were written and I wish that I had the strength some of these women have.
I love the relationship between Nathan and Haley, how they grew, how she turned him into a man. Part of me wants that and wanted that. Now though I know that what I really want is what they grew into. I have a feeling that I will get something like Brooke and Julian. Which will be just as awesome and all I would look forward to.
One day I will have that. All of that. Lucas and Peyton found their way back to each other. I know that you and I will too.
My world is spinning yet again. I find myself on this merry-go-round that I can’t seem to get off of. It hurts to think that I invested so much time into something that just didn’t seem to matter at the end of the day. It hurts. It hurts so much that I feel so empty inside without that feeling of hope. How can I not be in crisis mode when I am? It’s like the Earth is rotating on its axis and I’m stuck in the same place I was before; never moving forward just stagnant.
You can sit there and say that we always find our way back to one another but do we really? It seems that we always just lose one another to stupid things that don’t matter. I didn’t realize how much you run away from me. I don’t get it. I really don’t, but, at the end of the day I need to set you free to fly because that is what you deserve. I need to be able to feel that freedom to fly myself without you. I need to fall out of love with you. I really do.
For the past few years we have been going on this crazy roller coaster that is just up and down and loopy and just intense! I can’t handle it anymore! I have to learn to live half-alive without you because that is the only way that I will survive. It’s all I can do to make myself feel better.
Emma, she fell in love with Neal and he let her down. You are my Neal and I need to find my Killian. I want MY Killian and I really wish that that is who you were for me but you’re not and I don’t think you ever will be. Emma learned how to put up a wall and block herself off from everything, so that is what I will do. I will follow Emma’s example and be strong like her and put myself away for a bit.
I know that I should believe in hope, yet it is so hard to after all of this is happening. I might self-sabotage things and that is just terrible because I never wanted to do that. I wanted things to work out and be how they are supposed to be. My mind needs to rest and be at ease yet it can’t seem to be. I feel like I have become this crazy obsessed person about this and over him and I am TIRED of it. I will let go. I will. I really really will.
I try to live my life a certain way. My life right now is just not good and I know that the only person that can fix it is me. I think that the only thing that is on my mind is him. I mean how am I supposed to understand about what he wants when I don’t even know what I want. I don’t know what I want. I can stay and wait for him to come back or I can move on and find someone else. I really just hate all of this. All I want to do is understand but a part of me can’t and I don’t think I ever will. I need to stop and push it out of my mind.
I just wish I knew what to do. I am so tired of feeling stuck! I’m sick of all of this and I want it all to just stop. I want it to go away. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper in the hole and I am so scared that I will never get out of it. Why did I have to make him my everything. I should’ve never done that bc then I wouldn’t been feeling this way right now. Oh well, I wish that I could get a sign that everything between he and I will work out and that we will be happy together someday. A deep friendship that we share but I know that it could be more than that. I need to stop, but I can’t stop sighing and it is just exhausting. It is an emotional mess that I need to get out of.
The ache that I feel deep in my heart is something that has seemed to always be here. My heart is something that has always been heavy and full of sorrow. I didn’t realize just how hurt I had been feeling. I read an email yesterday that broke my heart. It opened up old wounds that I didn’t want to be open up again. Saying that we always find our way back to each other so why should I worry? I worry because I’m scared. I’m scared to get what I really want and it scares me so much because then I have to leave what I am most comfortable with. It is the most horrible feeling. I should be feeling happy and grateful but instead I am terrified. I know that I will see him again. I know deep in my heart and in the back of my mind my voice is telling me to have hope and faith and to hold on and be strong.
Should I continue to hold on and be strong and know that what I am going to gain from this will be my dream come true or should I let go and not care anymore and close up my heart? I have to close up my heart. It needs to be closed off and I can’t feel anymore, not one thing. I have to close myself off to love because I loved too much. I put all of my love and time into someone and for what, to basically get told to fuck off and that they never want to see me again.
That’s heartbreak though. I wish that we didn’t have to go through it but it seems as though that is just how life is. I love you my Varus and we will be duo bot lane partners again and this time I know that I will ALWAYS be your support. Deep in my soul and my heart it is there. The feelings and the hope. For now though, I have to keep it locked up and truly mourn a loss. I fear the worst and the best, it’s just who I am I guess.
These thoughts in my head, jumbled and not making much sense but I wanted to write something. So that’s my musings for today…
Today is one of those days. It is the calm before the storm or should I say the rainfall before the thunderstorm. I have so many mixed feelings and I can’t explain them. I don’t really feel like writing.