It’s one of those times when I think about the past. The holidays always seem to make me sad now; they used to make me really happy. I used to get so spoiled and I took it for granted. I was a part of 2 really great family’s. Mine and abuser. Yes, he was abusive but at the same time he was good to me. I am going to make this one short. I just have nothing on my mind except that the old ghosts have come to haunt me. They always do around this time of the year. Now I wonder how whatshisname has been…
So for the past few days I have been sick. It has really basically sucked! I don’t feel like doing anything whatsoever and it’s not like I do anything anyways but still. I have in mind a new fanfiction that I would like to write but it is just an idea that is brewing within me.
I have a sinus headache and a cough that is gross and I am just not happy about that right now. I am trying to decide what to do about the whole school situation. It is one of those things that’s like should I go back and see what happens or should I take the time off that I need to get better for myself and when I change my meds and then get just any job? I have no idea.
It is one of those days. I cried watching a movie about the nutcracker ballet. Who does that?! Apparently lame ass me. No wonder why he is so annoyed with me like all the time.
I miss him. I miss our friendship but not just that I just miss him. I feel it deep in my soul that things will be ok, it’s just hard right now with the holidays. It’s so hard to care about someone like this. It is so so hard.
I would like to take a moment to talk about my favorite ship. CaptSwan. Yes Captain Hook and Emma Swan. I have shipped them since the moment that they met. I don’t understand how people can hate on them. He not only wholeheartedly loves her but proves himself time and time again. I understand that most of the lesbian community or rather all of the lesbian community seems to favor Regina and Emma but I don’t understand why 2 women can’t simply just be best friends? I see no sexual tension between them I just see resemblances of shared sadness and darkness, the kind that makes people friends. They are in every way best friends. You could say that Snow and Regina also share that but they don’t. They are all family and that is something that is truly hard to find.
There is so much hate of CSr’s that I couldn’t even read about Emma humming ‘Someday My Prince Will Come’ without reading about how Regina shows up and it proves stuff. It was just her seeing her best friend doing something that is out of character for her. I thought it was funny. Their friendship is perfectly summed up when Regina tells her ‘Emma, I don’t want the key to your Kingdom, I just want you to remember who you are.’ Friends know one another through good and bad times and it is something that is great.
Now getting onto why I love CS. I love them because their relationship mirrors that of Snow and Charming in so many ways. It started out almost the same and it was such a wonderful progression and easy transition of a relationship. You can truly feel the love they have for one another, just the same as Snow and Charming.
I just want to take a moment to talk about my personal life as well. I talked to him. He told me he needed time for himself. I miss him so much. I know that he will be back and we can have something worth while. I feel it in my heart. I shouldn’t be sharing this but I just wanted to put it out there. When you love someone you love them and there is nothing that can stop it. The heart wants what it wants and my heart wants CS.
Love makes the world go round. It’s the reason that we keep pushing on; whether it be the love of our family, friends, significant other, or animal it’s very much a fact of life. The one I am most familiar with in my romantic life though is unrequited. When you love someone but they don’t love you back in the same way. It’s terrible. To love someone that much and be everything for that person and them not return even an ounce of feeling for you is hard. I find it to be the most draining as well, especially when you have tried numerous times to get over this person and then they show back up into your life with apologies and that they made a mistake and blah blah blah! No, not this time! I am done with you! You are the most self-centered person I have ever met in my life and if for a moment you could see me through your eyes then maybe you would get it!
See… my life is a mess to be in love with someone. I don’t want to put off love but I think I have to. I am in too much of a vulnerable place right now that I can’t even begin to think clearly. So focusing on myself and getting myself in a good place is what I have been trying to do. Especially you know with the whole bipolar thing and having to change my meds.
I admire Emma Swan and we are similar in many ways. We both have walls that are up pretty high. We have both been smacked in the face by life time and time again. We have both gotten up and swung back. I wish I could be MORE like her in a lot of ways though. She is so incredibly strong and I get that that is how her character is written but there is a realness to her that resonates inside of me. Speaking of Emma Swan that leads me to Sunday night’s (12/4/16) episode! So that’s what Emma would’ve been like? Safe and loved by her parents but I honestly think they would’ve taught her to have some fight in her just in case anything bad happened. Still, I loved it! It was something great to see. When she called Snow and Charming ‘Mommy and Daddy’ that made me smile so bright and I had tears in my eyes. Then she was humming ‘Someday my Prince will come’! That was just… awwww.
It would’ve been nice if Killian had been in there somehow. I mean despite everything he is her true love. So there had to have been something that would’ve been able to redeem him enough in the eyes of Snow and Charming to have him as their like Admiral in their Navy since they did take over King George’s Kingdom BUT I understand that her life as a Princess she would’ve never met Killian but how the heck did she meet Bae? Oh well. Also is it Robin or Roland?! Wouldn’t Robin be hella old like Snow and Charming are old!? I think it’s Roland.
So my time has come to an end… I have purged enough for today…
I see myself as two different people. Who I am to the world and who I am when I’m alone. The me around people is talkative and lively, sometimes funny, and generally a good person. The me I am when I am alone is subjective to who I am around others. This other me talks to herself out loud. She gives me advice and tells me to listen to my heart and be patient and not to worry about things. She is my logical self. I ignore her a lot. We all have things like this inside of us, that I know for sure. It isn’t always easy to listen to our inner voice so I say make your inner voice speak out loud. It’s surprising that I let my inner voice speak out loud. Maybe that seems crazy to you but I me it makes perfect sense.
I was recently diagnosed as BiPolar Type 2, more depressive and with hypomania instead of full on mania. I was scared when they told me and I felt as though I would be stigmatized by it. I had a snap and I was put in the hospital for week. During that week I was scared. I was in a place that I never thought I would be but furthermore I thought I didn’t need to be. It was an eye opener that something was seriously wrong with me. At 30 years of age I thought ‘Am I not a little too old to be going through this?’ ‘Aren’t bipolar people those crazy homeless people in San Francisco who talk to walls and yell at people as they pass by?’, the thoughts that I had about this illness were wrong. I still don’t understand it and it scares me. Mental Illness is something that has been with me since I was 17 years old when they diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder, obviously I was misdiagnosed because I was still having terrible depressive episodes no matter what. I think maybe if they had caught it sooner I would be living a very different life. I know that what ifs are something that you can’t live by but there are so many questions that I still have.
The only thing that seems to keep me sane is the love I have still for a good book or a good movie or a good TV show. I had lost all hope until I decided to binge watch Once Upon a Time from the very beginning again and within that story I found hope. As strange as it sounds. So with this blog I will be talking about myself and things that are happening to me but also about Once Upon a Time and the way that it has shined a bright light in my darkness. So, as insane as this might be, and as off as this all will be… Welcome to my mixed up, crazy, fantastical world…
This is the post excerpt.